Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
