So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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