Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
