Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
