just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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