I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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