Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Randomize
