Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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