Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
