why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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