3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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