The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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