Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
