pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
