I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
