Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
