i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
