dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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