I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
