i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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