also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
