I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
