I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
can u get pink eye on your cock?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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