Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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