I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
