Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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