Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
