the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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