Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
