someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
