I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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