Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
