Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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