Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
3 2 1 whiskey
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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