I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
