I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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