a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
