I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
