Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
