I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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