he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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