i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
