Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
