It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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