I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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