I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
