My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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