Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
