Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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