i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
this hospital has no fireball
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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